Mood.

I'll probably drop out of high school to become a beautician.

Then after being in a few abusive relationships,

I'll have a couple kids out of wedlock. 

They'll have really "innovative" names

Like 'Aroha' and 'Ikhyd'.

After harrassing my ex-boyfriends for a check,

I might spend my child support on drugs,

And tight clothing.

Then my kids would learn to play basketball

At the neighborhood Boys and Girls Club,

And live to tell about how they never knew their dad,

And their mom was worthless.

Everyone will love them,

And boys will try to get their autographs.

I think my family would worry about me,

But my mom would support me anyway.

My dad might be mad,

But Mom would still support me.

My brother would probably call me every week,

And try to come visit me.

My sister would still hang out with me,

And claim there was "no judgement".

I wouldn't care.

I'd wallow away,

Because I've tried to be better.

I've tried to change.

Change isn't real.

Don't listen to what they say.

The only people who change,

Never really do.

They're just lying to you.

Maybe I'd lie, too.

Do you think God already knows who will succeed?

Do you think He knows I'm worthless?

Maybe that's why I can't hear His voice anymore.

Dreams suck, too.

Don't have them.

They won't come true.

Because, you're a girl.

Become a mom, settle down.

Stop being so rebellious.

And, you're a boy,

So get a good job and a nice wife.

Stop dreaming,

It's giving everyone a headache.

I Think I Remember

I think I remember my first nightmare. There was an animated Doctor, and my mom didn't listen to me when I said he was bad. We had to get shots, but the shots had poison. I locked myself in a bathroom stall as I listened to my mom dying. The Doctor tried to find me. His skin was purple.

I think I remember my sister's wedding. And Alissa. I think I remember her straight bangs and how pretty she looked in the dress that matched mine. I think I remember the way she said  "Jared", and I think I remember laughing.

I think I remember my first kiss, on the kindergarten playground. His name was Andrew, but I don't remember his last name.

I always think I remember how Grandpa smelt, but then I smell it and I know I remember.

I think I remember Bear Lake, and Sawyer telling me that a boy can love another boy. I think I remember asking my mom because I didn't believe her, and I do remember my mom saying that she was right. She said that a boy can marry a boy and a girl can marry a girl, but they just can't have babies together. I didn't understand why would want to marry someone unless you could have a baby.

I also think I remember showing my Aunt Barbara how well I could sing Dancing Queen. She was holding a baby and smiling.

I think I remember him in high school. I want to remember him in high school, cause now he's a dad and I don't see him like I used to.

I think I remember putting my Barbie doll and my Ken doll on one bed, and Barbie was on top of Ken and I think I remember them being naked. I remember hoping my dad wouldn't see.

I remember when I found out guys don't have boobs, and I was very confused. Christine laughed at me, and I think I remember her unlimited amount of bubble gum tape. I was so jealous cause my mom never bought me bubble gum.

I think I remember the funeral. And what I wore. I think it was my red skirt and my brown cardigan with the fur. Mom told me it was pretty, and I thought I looked like I was 20. I loved that outfit so much, I tried to wear it bowling with my friends. I was so mad when Mom told me it's not what you wear bowling.

I think I remember how much I loved her at first. How happy I was that he was dating her, and the macaroni and cheese we ate. I think I remember not feeling what I wanted to feel when I found out she was pregnant. I should have been upset, traumatized even. I was really excited. I remember when she told me they were getting married. I think I remember Harry Potter, and the selfies, and maybe even Olive Garden. Unfortunately I do remember dress shopping. I remember it too well. That was my first sign.

I remember the relief I had when I found out about the divorce. I didn't know what would come of it, where we'd be now.

I think I remember telling you about how I feel. I think I remember you hugging me and remaining calm. Thank you for being calm. I think I remember hating myself even more after the fact. Truth is, I still hate myself. And, I do remember you saying you'd call the doctor. I remember that really well.

I remember cheating on my first grade spelling test. I wrote the words on a sticky note and kept it inside my box, then looked when I couldn't remember how to spell the word. I really didn't even realize it was cheating. I thought I was clever.

I think I remember my dad crying. But I still can't picture it. That's okay with me.

almost a love letter

if i died tonight...

would you take a carnation

from my flowers

to give to her?

if i died tonight...

would you even remember

that we had plans 
for saturday?

i'm still confused why 

i'm so mad at you.

if you died tonight...

i still couldn't 

talk to your mom.

if you die tonight

please don't

watch over me

from heaven.

i'd be so embarrassed.

if we both die tonight...

can we still

hang out 
saturday?

Delicate Dancer

I'm imagining you...
and you're happy.
I'm imagining you happy in your living room,
but your parents aren't home,
cause it's just us.
And I won't lie and say I'm not wearing makeup,
but my eyelashes are long and the mascara is minimal.
You haven't shaved in a while,
and we're just sitting on that old couch of yours.
Where did you get that couch?
Will you let me know?
Have your parents had it since they got married?
Hey, if it's not broke, don't fix it.
There's the papers stacked by your computer,
I bet your dad was doing something important.
We're just talking,
but you're happy.
You laugh when I tease you,
because you're happy.

You got mad at me like a week ago.
How many times a day do you get mad at me?
Is it cause I teased you?
If you were really happy,
you could endure the teasing.
You wanna know how I know?
Because you endured it before.
I want you to be happy again.

Sometimes, you think you're better than people.
You'd never admit it,
but I know it.
A lot of the times, you think you're better than me.
Hey, it's probably true.
But...I think I'm better than you sometimes, too.
Like, I can sympathize better.
You can't help people like that.
Imagine if we were on the same level.
We could spend the rest of our lives helping people,
cause we'd be happy.
I would be your delicate dancer as you softly played your uke...
cause you actually know how to play the uke.
I'd hum,
and we'd pretend it sounded better than it actually did.
Give it a chance?

I'm imagining you...
and you're happy.
It's imaginary,
cause you haven't been like that for a while.
They don't make you happy.
Hell, I can't even make you happy.
But...I could be happy with you.

I think we'd wear sweaters.

I kinda love you.
And I really mean it.

hey, you too.

Hey, I'm done with this shit.

And so are you.

So let's just go somewhere,
and do something.

I dunno, something different.

Something that'll make me stop thinking

and stop caring

and stop worrying.

Maybe we should just stop.

Like...that.

Can we do that? For each other?

Screw you, I'mma do it by myself.

Cause I guess that's the only person you can really depend on.

Meine Familia.

I'mma take a second to tell y'all about my family, because life has been the same and the poems are tired of being written.

(I realize that this could possibly lead people to find out who is really behind Miss Penelope Jude...but I honestly don't care anymore. Let them eat cake, ya know?)

So, I have a sister. Two, actually. The first is...well, let's call her Anne. Anne is married and has three kids and loves them dearly, and allows herself to be burnt out just to make sure her dad is okay. She has no filter, yet is one of the most sensitive people I've ever met. She doesn't realize the consequences of her actions, and doesn't think before she acts, and won't remember how she affected you. She was the babysitter of the family, and once you made her cry you could get whatever you wanted.

The other one? Extremely sensitive, as well. And I suppose you could call her Lucy. Lucy isn't thinking her life through, she just rides on what makes her happy. Her soon-to-be-fiance got home from his mission three weeks ago. She told me the other day she wants a honeymoon baby and I just laughed.

Then comes the brothers. The first, Jake, isn't around much and he will never realize how much I miss him. He's been married twice, and divorced twice, but his daughter is the light of everyone's lives. Then there's Josh. Josh was one of "those" kids in high school. You know, the one's you STILL hear about. His name is literally hanging up on a plaque in the hallway. Everyone loved Josh. People tell me they knew him well, but when I ask him about them, he doesn't know who they are. Josh just got married (and by "just", I mean two years ago, but it's really hard for me to let go) and is expecting a baby girl this month. Josh's in-laws are everything he's wanted a family to be. I guess our family is a close second. And I just put close in there to make myself feel better.

And of course the parentals. My mother is near perfect. And my dad lives to protect her. It's hard to believe these two amazing people gave birth to us. And that they still love us (I think)

Then there's me. Penelope; the youngest, the annoying, the outspoken, the brat, the spoiled, the realist. And everyone knows it.

You don't even want to know how the holidays go at my house. Anne cries, her husband blames. We all rejoice when Jake actually shows up, and aren't surprised when he leaves. Lucy jokes, but don't cross her path. Her sour attitude spreads faster than swine flu. Josh laughs too loud and talks too much, while his wife just sits and observes. My mom serves, my dad listens, 

and I'm the causer of it all. 

My mom doesn't deserve grief like this. I wonder if I just left if it would all get better. I think Anne would cry a little less, and Jake would be the same. Josh wouldn't have to answer annoying questions anymore, and no one would piss off Lucy. And I think my dad would still just sit and listen.

How did we get so many personalities in one family. 

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What even are my blog posts lately?

LOL, what even am I lately?

Believe it or not, I'm still so excited for Christmas. Even with the chaos that is my family, and Thanksgiving didn't really turn out right.

Okay, maybe I'll write a poem now or something.

Grandma's Chair

There's this chair that's been in my garage for the past six months. Apparently it was my grandmother's.

Not even my cat sits on it. And I think there's bird poop on the seat. And I can picture it on my grandma's lawn.