I Think I Remember

I think I remember my first nightmare. There was an animated Doctor, and my mom didn't listen to me when I said he was bad. We had to get shots, but the shots had poison. I locked myself in a bathroom stall as I listened to my mom dying. The Doctor tried to find me. His skin was purple.

I think I remember my sister's wedding. And Alissa. I think I remember her straight bangs and how pretty she looked in the dress that matched mine. I think I remember the way she said  "Jared", and I think I remember laughing.

I think I remember my first kiss, on the kindergarten playground. His name was Andrew, but I don't remember his last name.

I always think I remember how Grandpa smelt, but then I smell it and I know I remember.

I think I remember Bear Lake, and Sawyer telling me that a boy can love another boy. I think I remember asking my mom because I didn't believe her, and I do remember my mom saying that she was right. She said that a boy can marry a boy and a girl can marry a girl, but they just can't have babies together. I didn't understand why would want to marry someone unless you could have a baby.

I also think I remember showing my Aunt Barbara how well I could sing Dancing Queen. She was holding a baby and smiling.

I think I remember him in high school. I want to remember him in high school, cause now he's a dad and I don't see him like I used to.

I think I remember putting my Barbie doll and my Ken doll on one bed, and Barbie was on top of Ken and I think I remember them being naked. I remember hoping my dad wouldn't see.

I remember when I found out guys don't have boobs, and I was very confused. Christine laughed at me, and I think I remember her unlimited amount of bubble gum tape. I was so jealous cause my mom never bought me bubble gum.

I think I remember the funeral. And what I wore. I think it was my red skirt and my brown cardigan with the fur. Mom told me it was pretty, and I thought I looked like I was 20. I loved that outfit so much, I tried to wear it bowling with my friends. I was so mad when Mom told me it's not what you wear bowling.

I think I remember how much I loved her at first. How happy I was that he was dating her, and the macaroni and cheese we ate. I think I remember not feeling what I wanted to feel when I found out she was pregnant. I should have been upset, traumatized even. I was really excited. I remember when she told me they were getting married. I think I remember Harry Potter, and the selfies, and maybe even Olive Garden. Unfortunately I do remember dress shopping. I remember it too well. That was my first sign.

I remember the relief I had when I found out about the divorce. I didn't know what would come of it, where we'd be now.

I think I remember telling you about how I feel. I think I remember you hugging me and remaining calm. Thank you for being calm. I think I remember hating myself even more after the fact. Truth is, I still hate myself. And, I do remember you saying you'd call the doctor. I remember that really well.

I remember cheating on my first grade spelling test. I wrote the words on a sticky note and kept it inside my box, then looked when I couldn't remember how to spell the word. I really didn't even realize it was cheating. I thought I was clever.

I think I remember my dad crying. But I still can't picture it. That's okay with me.